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a perfect storm aka mama in the making

May 4, 2010

:: it’s been a while. i realize this, and i apologize to all those who were faithful readers, and were suddenly given the cold shoulder.  there are many reasons as to why this silence happened. and i know that you don’t want to hear excuses.  so, what i will say instead is that i’m sorry for the delay. and i hope, this time, i will have enough to write about, in my condition. ::

some evening, d and i were dazzled by the light show.  there was, in the surrounding still corn fields, an electric buzz of lightning dancing on the southern horizon.  this photo is one of those moments.  the entire sky is lit, backlighting the tumult of clouds, and the fervor of rain.

it was perfect.

and that’s how i feel about finally entering motherhood.  in case you were somehow on a another planet somewhere, or under sea for the last 4 months, i am indeed pregnant.  and this is a big thing for me to admit, especially in such a public place.  i’m not sure how i feel about being pregnant, or about being on the edge of motherhood.  i’ve never been very fond of those cuddly, mushy things.  and i tend to lump children in with all that.  my opinions on children, and how i feel about having children, i fear, are controversial, and may be disappointing to some. 

many have asked why i have not yet blogged about my latest discovery.  it’s mostly because the things i feel are private, and confused, and maybe even unnerving. 

it’s the perfect storm – or, rather, the calm before the storm.  on the horizon, i can see the lightning through the curtain of black clouds, and i am afraid of that dazzling and electric horizon.  i am afraid of everything that rainstorm might bring.  and yet, i am entranced by its beauty.  i can’t help but stand, alone, in the night, staring at the sky, wondering when my day will come.

i am paralyzed by the very notion of ‘life’. 

and so, in an effort to reconcile some of the things inside my head, i have decided that returning to this blog might be a good idea, and might help take the pressure off me.  visit as often as you like, and perhaps you might find out a thing or two more about the new life i am about to help bring into the world.  i imagine this space as an invitation to family and friends, to become part of the experience, to understand how i do or do not feel – not just physically, but mentally. 

participate in this moment, i implore you. and, we will see where the road will take us.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. sagesweetgrass permalink
    May 8, 2010 8:03 pm

    In the wake of a storm there is always a period of calm. Like life, many different roads can lead to a calming point that reassures us and cradles us with comfort. I hope this blog helps you reconcile the tempest of feelings your inner self is experiencing.
    I love you,
    Mom

  2. May 9, 2010 12:51 am

    Dear Friend, (well I had this typed up in a first draft and hit send to find out that if you do not fill out your name it deletes your comment and makes you start over again lol)

    So, here we go again :)

    First, I am so excited for you. I know you are nervous and scared and excited at everything that comes with and probably 90 thousand other feelings good and bad along with that.

    I want to tell you something that I don’t think you realize enough about yourself. You are kind, you are caring, you are thoughtful and you put your heart into things that you are passionate about. You are a good wife and a good friend. While you may feel like you might not know how to be a good mother… what I can at least share with you from my experience as a mom is that, while yes, we might give our kids some of our bad traits and not be perfect parents all of the time… we also give them the good things about us too. All of those things I just listed above are things that will be part of your child because they are part of you :) Which means that you are already LEAPS & BOUNDS :) ahead of a lot of people in this world.

    In watching Kaylee grow up it is scary and shocking to see how short a distance the apple can sometimes fall from the tree. She is independent, stubborn, says what she things and has tons of diva attitude :) lol… but she also has a huge heart, she loves unconditionally, she is protective of her sister, she laughs with everything she has, she is caring, and she stands up for herself even if she knows it might get her in trouble sometimes. It truly has made me realize that even though I pass along some bad things to my children I have also created a beautiful little girl with passion and a fervor (sp?) for life.

    You are going to be a great mom because you are a great person. You will give your kid whatever you have to give and D will give your child whatever he can and nature does the rest. That is all you can do.

    But, what I can tell you lastly is that while it can be challenging, tiring, and sometimes stressful… it is also entertaining, rewarding, and never boring. Every day is a new day.

    I am so excited for you and this journey you guys are headed on. You both will be great parents, of that I have no doubt. And don’t worry about the rest… you know at some point every kid can’t stand their parents :) Just revel in it all and go with the flow babes :)

    love ya!

    ~Kel

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