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a lovely and sad day

May 9, 2011

i know it’s been a while, and i have easter stuff i still want to share with you.  but, in the mean time, here’s a little video.  we went to the conservatory to watch the butterflies be released on mother’s day.  it was very beautiful, and adelaide did eventually notice them – that is, when they were like actually on her shoulder.  but it was a sweet thing to think about actually being a mother of two, even though the second one is still yet to meet us.  then we had lunch at my favorite deli where i got ‘andy’s got another job’ and d always gets ‘ari’s open door’.  adelaide even made a card for me! So sweet!

but, it was all so short lived, as d departed for an externship out of state.  he will be gone for quite some time.  and i was left wondering how i’ll possibly do it all myself.  we rely on each other so much to run the house and to parent and to give each other free time.  and of course, i am so full of love for him.  it breaks my heart to see him go.  and then, there’s the passing of time in which adelaide will make new achievements, and grow a whole bunch, and our new little one/my stomach will continue to grow outward, and change.  and, he’ll miss it all.  we did agree to skype.  but apparently our computer crashes every time i use the program… so it’s likely he just won’t see her for a long time, and i know that will break his heart.

mother’s day, my first, was quite bittersweet.  and it made me realize that i still don’t think of myself as a mother.  i haven’t had enough time to grow into that roll yet.  i try to make the right choices, but i’m not always kind or patient.  and i keep waiting for those motherly instincts that seem to come so natural to so many.  but at 1 am, when the baby is crying and there’s nothing left for you to do but cry too, i don’t.  i just throw my hands up and say, ‘maybe a better person could fix this.  but, better i am not.  and so, she’ll just have to cry, and i’ll just have to live with it.’  and then i bury my head under a pillow for a minute and pretend i am on a tropical island.  and i have to admit that for all it’s wonders and benefits, i distinctly dislike breastfeeding.  it’s these feels and so much more that make me realize that i don’t really deserve to celebrate mother’s day yet.  not just yet.  there is a lot of growing yet to be done, and hopefully, as the kids grow, i will too.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Mindy permalink
    May 9, 2011 12:58 pm

    You are an excellent Mom, Lauren! D, that card from Adelaide is hilarious….she’s quite intelligent with her sentences already… The butterfly video is awesome. I am so glad you guys posted it..she is going to love that video when she grows up…unless of course she’s like Nicole Kidman and has a fear of butterflies.

  2. erica nichole permalink
    May 27, 2011 12:58 pm

    that card was awesome!

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